Step 1
Stop faking it. No more exclaiming, “Yes!” when you mean, “No!” No more sighing, “Ooooo,” when you feel, “Ouch!” No more pretending you’re in the throws of passion when you’re actually painfully bored. Your lover will never discover your true pleasure points if you play phony under the sheets.
Express your desires in the moment. If you want your partner to lightly rub the inside of your thigh, ask directly, “Sweetheart will you lightly rub the inside of my thigh?” Straightforward guidance goes a long way in improving a sex life.
Show excitement. When your partner does touch you in all the right places, make sure to show that you’re into it. You don’t have to scream and moan if that isn’t your style. Your expression of pleasure should feel genuine to you, but do make sure your partner understands your praise. We all can be uncertain about how to please another person, so when we get it right, it’s nice to know it. Encourage your partner with positive feedback about what’s good. You can even reiterate your praise the next day with a verbal compliment about the moves that really got you hot.
Critique with kindness. Just as it is important to say what you like, it’s also important to say what you don’t like, what hurts, what makes you uncomfortable or what simply doesn’t turn you on. If your partner hasn’t picked up on your body clues and keeps doing things that aren’t working for you, say sweetly, “Baby
, that hurts a little, could you lighten your touch?” or, “We’ve tried that position a few times, Honey, and it doesn’t feel that great to me. Could we try something else?” Again, speak up in the moment and be specific about what exactly you don’t like.
Initiate exploration often. Buy books, rent videos, sign up for an intimacy class, vow to try a new position every day for a month, do it at a different time of day, change your tempo, go for hours or make it quick. Trying new things will help break bad habits and get you and your partner engaging with each other in new ways.
Seek pointers from your partner. If you’re unsatisfied in some area, your partner probably is too. Ask how you can improve or change your love making to make it hotter for your hottie. Listen to your partner’s needs without getting defensive and take action on his or her requests immediately.
Discuss it over lunch. While it’s best to make changes to your sex life during the moment, it is essential to be able to talk about sex outside the bedroom. If you long to improve your sex life, say it frankly, “Babe, there are a few things I’d like to change about our sex life.” Sex talk needn’t always be hot and heavy. You should be able to discuss sex in a matter-of-fact way as well.
See a good counselor. If you’ve given it your sincerest effort and things do not improve, don’t be ashamed to talk to a counselor. Sex is wrought with complicated emotions that can make it nearly impossible to find the source of disconnect and tension. A trained professional can act as a third party and help you and your partner build a relationship that is fulfilling on all fronts.
