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1. “I’ll call you.”
Translation: “I’m not going to call you. Well, I might. Probably not, though.”
2. “I don’t care.”
Translation: “You have presented me with an option that, while clearly very important to you, is not a big deal to me at all. Since we’re probably going to end up doing what you want to do anyway, let’s just skip the conversation and go straight to that.
3. “It’s my fault; I’m sorry.”
Translation: “We’ve been arguing about this for hours and I just can’t take it anymore. Congratulations, you wore me down. Can we have sex now?”
4. “Can we talk about this later?”
Translation: “Could you pretty, pretty please with sugar on top… shut the fuck up?”
5. “My ex was kind of crazy.”
Translation: “This is going well and I’m very attracted to you, but please, please, please, if you’re crazy, reveal it as soon as possible. I’ll probably slit my wrists if I have to go through that again.”
6. “I was kidding.”
Translation: “Oh, shit, I was using humor to express something I believed to be profoundly true, and you saw right through it. This is me backpedaling.”
7. “I never masturbate.”
Translation: “I’ve cut down to three times a day.”
8. “I never watch porn.”
Translation: “I watch a ton of porn.
9. “You look amazing in that dress.”
Translation: “Can we go now?”
10. “That’s not what I meant!”
Translation: “Oh, Damn, you took that much worse than I thought you would.”
11. “It’s a guy thing.”
Translation: “If you don’t get it, I can’t explain it. Don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal, and it’s probably stupid anyway. Can we drop it?”
12. “We need to take a little break.”
Translation: “I’ve been trying to get you to dump me for three months now and this is as close as I can get to doing it myself.”
13. “I’m really tired.”
Translation: “Of course I still want to have sex, just… you get on top.”
14. “Let me give you a massage.”
Translation: “Let’s have sex.”
15. “I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”
Translation: “I’m being honest. I just want sex. We can see where it goes and all, but I’m not making any promises about us having a future together. What do you think?”
16. “Let me cook you dinner.”
Translation: “Come over to my place so we can have sex.”
