Expecting a man to regard sex in the same way that a woman does
The unfortunate fact is that although we might wish it were different, men and women do see sex differently. There’s an old cliche that men need sex to feel their love for their partner, while women need to feel loving before they want sex. That might be an over-simplification, but there’s some truth at the heart of it, and what it means in practice is that a couple have to compromise: she may have to make the effort to engage with her partner sexually even when she doesn’t feel like it, and he might have to become more romantic and pay more attention to her need to be appreciated – both inside and outside the bedroom.
The good thing about this is that if a couple know how to connect emotionally as well as physically then they will soon find their natural desire takes over and their lovemaking becomes both fun and rewarding. The moral? You don’t always need to feel sexy to have sex! (Though of course this does depend on one partner being brave enough to initiate sex and risk being turned down by the other.)
2 Thinking sex always has to be a lovey-dovey romantic thing
Men often want sex even if they aren’t feeling romantic and intimate. It’s hard, I think, for women to appreciate just what a man’s sex drive can be like. It’s pretty constant, and it needs release one way or another every so often. And while I don’t want to sound like a marriage manual from the 1950’s, the fact is that it can be very rewarding – even necessary – for men when their partner offers them the chance to make love just for the physical pleasure of it. (You might call it a “quickie”.)
And since we now know women are often much sexier than society would have us believe (it’s a remnant of the old double standard, where women were supposed to be sexually demure), there’s no reason why a woman who’s feeling turned on shouldn’t ask her partner for sex – just for the heck of it.
3 Thinking the man always has to initiate sex
As I mentioned above, some women were brought up to be demure “good girls” (which means not to show their sexual feelings). These women may have problems letting go of the old belief that a man has to initiate sex; mind you, so do many men…..the answer is to communicate what you want. It’s often a real relief for a man who feels he has to be the leader during sex to let his partner take over. And while he lies back and enjoys it, so to speak, she can release all her sexual energy in just as rampant a way as she feel able to, especially in certain sexual positions, such as the woman on top, where she has a great chance of enjoying an orgasm. After all, she’s in charge of the pace and movements of sex, so she can be sure she gets the stimulation she needs.
And, believe me, ladies, your man will really like it when you express your passion – whether that means you getting on top for woman on top sex, moving your pelvis so you get the greatest pleasure internally, kissing him passionately, or being assertive about what you want in bed.
4 Not being adventurous with sex
Men fantasize about sex much of the time – and although some of the things they think about are best kept in the realms of fantasy, many men would really like the chance to try out some more adventurous sex games. A lot of women, however, are satisfied with vanilla sex (straightforward, uncomplicated, man on top missionary position sex). This may not keep your partner amused for ever, especially if he has a high need for novelty and experimentation during sex. If your partner does confide his wildest desires to you, whatever you do, don’t laugh. Instead, try and give him the opportunity to try it out – assuming, of course, that nothing he wants to do offends you. If he doesn’t confide his fantasies, ask him about them – and don’t hesitate to share yours in return.
It doesn’t have to involve stuff like bondage, either. You could simply try being more adventurous by using new positions – for example, let him enjoy rear entry for a change. Talk dirty to him to see what happens: that can be very exciting for you both, especially if you are somewhat inhibited in your expression of sexual thoughts and feelings. (Talking dirty to each other is also pretty damn sexy!) Or try playing with new erogenous zones – your anus and perineum, and his too, are very sensitive and exciting areas that can provide a lot of pleasure.
5 Not communicating directly
Yes, we know it’s difficult to express your sexual desires directly. But men don’t think like women. They don’t get your clues, they don’t understand hints. And it’s no use being upset when he doesn’t get it: so just stop communicating indirectly, and tell him what you want clearly and directly. That way, you’ll both feel understood and you’ll know what’s needed in your relationship – which is essential when you’re emotionally exposed and possibly vulnerable during sex. Also, he needs feedback when he pleasures you. So, if you like what he’s doing during sex, let him know with your moans of pleasure, and if you don’t, tell him what to do instead.
6 Criticizing him or nagging
Women who’ve never learned the art of direct communication, who can’t state clearly and directly what they want, how they want it, and whether they’ve got it, can become critical and nagging. Men hate this. They don’t understand it, and nearly always react defensively. At that point, communication has broken down. The simple truth which needs to be engraved on every woman’s brain is this: your man won’t know what you want unless you tell him. If you think his “getting it” (i.e. understand your needs without being told) is a sign of his love, then you’re in for a lifetime of disappointment. And it won’t be his fault.
7 He may like giving you an orgasm, but he is not responsible for ensuring you are sexually satisfied – you are
A lot of women think that a man somehow has to “give” a woman an orgasm. The truth is that women are responsible for their own orgasms. While it can be very rewarding for both of you if he brings you to orgasm, if you don’t make it to orgasm through his efforts, don’t get grumpy, instead do the decent thing and take matters into your own hands.
8 Controlling him by withdrawing sex
One of the most manipulative things a woman can do in a relationship is to use sex as a weapon. This is what happens when a woman feels she has no real power in the relationship. The answer is not to use sex as a weapon, but to start communicating…and that includes saying whether you want sex or not, and why that is. The root of all relationship problems is poor communication, even if the communication is about what you don’t want or why you don’t like what’s going on between you.
Sex is something too precious to be used as a weapon. Although some writers would argue women have always used sex as a way of getting what they want, let’s try and be more enlightened and honest, and treat each other more equally and with respect for our on-going, inevitable differences.
