If his style was one of the reasons you broke up, check out these tips

#1.-What about you has changed that will allow this to work now? Accepting the role that you played in the breakup is the absolute first order of business in getting back with your ex. If you don’t believe that you had anything to do with the breakup then you are still in a state of denial and it will never work.  What have you learned from the breakup that has allowed you to evolve? Have you sought any outside help form a non-biased third party to process the end of the breakup and to better yourself?  Realistically, you are responsible only for yourself – your personal growth.  Although we like to think that we can change others, we can only change ourselves. Whether or not you get your ex back, becoming a better version of you will prepare you for your next relationship.

#2.-What about your ex has changed that will allow this to work now? This may be a little tricky because your ex can tell you anything to get you back but you need to have some type of proof that he/she has changed the necessary elements to make it work again. Since you only have the ability to change yourself, you have to really get in-tune with your instincts to “feel” your way through this. How has your ex changed? How do you know that to be true? Are you positive? The problem here is that your judgment can be foggy after a break up, your desire to be reunited with your ex may distort your view of what is real.  So the greater question here is: Are you willing to accept you ex presently “As-Is?”

#3.-What exactly went wrong? Creating lasting relationships can be a daunting task. Although there are countless courses, workshops, retreats, seminars and books (including mine) on cultivating and maintaining relationships, there are no absolutes in what makes relationships work. Sifting through the gunk to reveal the roots that caused the split will assist you in repairing the broken connections. Without fail, if you never get to the real issues then you will not be able to maintain the relationship because the issues will eventually resurface.

#4.-Is it worth the bother? Let’s face it, if you are planning to reunite with your ex then it is going to take a great deal of individual and couples work to make this go-round a success. Are you ready to confront the causes of the breakup head on? When we are wildly passionate about someone who we just can’t envision our lives without then by all means – DO THE WORK! But if you are at all hesitant about the time, effort and necessary compromise to make it work then you have to evaluate; is it worth the bother?

#5.-Is there equal willingness to put forth the effort? If you are entertaining the idea of getting back with your ex then it should go without question that you are more than willing to roll up your sleeves and get dirty (in a good way) to  make this time better than the last. A good relationship takes two people but an amazing relationship takes two people who are equally willing and committed to making it so. If you find yourself alone in seeking out resources and putting in the hard knuckled efforts then you are not on a level playing field with your ex and you should alarmed. In order to restore a failed relationship both parties must be actively involved in the process.

Be with who you are crazy about. No need in dragging someone else into your emotional web if you are still longing to be with your ex, but you’ve got to be smart about it. If you have not carefully assessed why the relationship failed, what your involvement was, how you have improved as an individual, how your ex has changed and obtained the necessary tools to make getting back together a realistic option, then you have to re-evaluate where you currently are in comparison to where you want to be.

Good Luck!

5 Common Mistakes Women Make Verbally That Scare Men Off

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

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I am really confused. I have been married to my husband for a year and we have been together almost a three years.

Five months before we got married he moved out of our home and moved back with his mother. He told me he wasn’t ready to get married. Two weeks later, I find out that he has went back to his baby’s mother. I was devastated and mad as hell. Two months later we talked and ended up getting back together. A couple months after that we got married. I thought we were doing good.

We got married in August and I found out I was pregnant in January. Not exactly was I was planning on since I had started school again. With my pregnancy I became super sick because of my high blood pressure. Two months later my husband loses his job and I’m dumbfounded. Our relationship went from bad, because of my pregnancy, to worst, because of his job lost.

We talked many times about getting a divorce and getting on with our lives. During these last couple of months I have been in and out of the hospital with this pregnancy. Eventually, my husband got a job cutting hair. One day I went to get my tags for my car and I called him while I was in line and I didn’t get an answer, and he always answers when I call. I remember getting off the exit to go home and something told me to go check his job or his mom house to see if he was there. No he wasn’t. I went to his baby’s mother apartment and there is his car sitting there. I’m crying and calling him and got no answer. I decided to put him out. I had the spare key to his car and I took his car, brought it home and loaded it up.

I talked to his baby mother and I found out that they had been sleeping with each other since he lost his job in March. I just so happen to catch him that day. I’m confused on what to do. Of course he has begged and apologized. It’s November and my baby’s due and our lease is up our apartment. I’m on disability because of my pregnancy and money is small compared to what I made before getting pregnant. He says that he doesn’t want a divorce and he was sorry and it won’t happen again.  I’m on my last straw, the last days of my pregnancy and lease for our apartment. What should I do? We have already gone through counseling. – Stay Or Try Again

“He Won’t Introduce Me To His Family & He Disappears On Our Date Night”

Dear Ms. Stay Or Try Again,

Let the lease run out. Move your things out. Leave him. Get a divorce and move on with your life. See how easy that is!

Chile, I swear the common sense gene is rare the days. Your fool damn self is over there listening to that man as he tells you that he doesn’t want a divorce and he’s sorry and it won’t happen again, yet he keeps sleeping with his baby momma. LMBAO! Girl, hop on one leg and pat yourself on the head if you believe that.

Your husband is deceitful, manipulative, trifling, and a liar. He’s cheated on you several times, even during your pregnancy, and you caught him, yet you’re asking me what to do. Sigh! This is the classic case of, “Even though he told me he didn’t want to get married, I didn’t care what he wanted because I wanted to be married, and besides, I LOVE HIM!” Thus, when –ish hits the fan, i.e., He cheats on you, then you want to get all up in a huff because, “How dare he sleep with another woman and we’re married.”

Uhm, sorry boo boo, you may have had the pomp and circumstance of a wedding with all your friends and family present, the flower girl, the bridesmaids and groomsmen, and the thousands of dollars spent on feeding all those damn people, however while you were standing in your off-brand knock-off Vera Wang dress looking starry-eyed professing your vows of marriage, he was lost in space thinking to himself, “How the hell did I end up here? And, which one of these chicks I’m going to bang in the back room.”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times in letters to women like you in this situation: When someone tells you who they are, believe them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone tells you they don’t want to be in a relationship, then guess what? They don’t want to be in a relationship with you either. And, if someone tells you they don’t want to get married, then guess what? Say it with me class: THEY DON’T WANT TO GET MARRIED, AND NOT TO YOU EITHER.

Why are you holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held? Why make someone commit to you and they are not ready to commit to themselves? If he isn’t ready to commit to marriage or a relationship, then you get exactly what you deserve. He won’t commit to you or anyone else, so he’ll keep sleeping with you and his baby momma because the both of you are silly ass broads who keep letting him lay between your legs and in your small ass heads. You thirsty ass chicks wear me so thin! You’ll rather have a piece of man, who keeps showing you who he is with his trifling cheating ways, and yet you keep running behind him trying to convince him to love you, and that you need him. And, this MoFo doesn’t give a “F” about you! Stop perching your lips and drinking from these men’s nut sacs!

Now, guess what’s going to happen? You’re going to be baby momma number two. He’s going to get back into a relationship with his first baby momma. You two women are going to end up arguing and fighting over this bum ass dude who cuts hair and can’t afford to pay child support. And, even though he’s the problem in the equation and cheating and sleeping with the both of you, the two of you are going to fight and brawl with each other like two chicken heads fighting for scraps of d**k meat. SMDH! Then, he’s going to tell you how much he loves you and misses you and you’re going to believe him and spread your legs wide open for him, again. Which means he’s sticking the both of you raw, i.e. Sharing community d**k. And, you two aren’t the only women he’s running up in. Trust me, there is a third and fourth chick out there somewhere. Probably in the same apartment complex as you, and his baby momma. And, guess what’s going to happen? All of y’all are going to end up pregnant at the same time. Chile, I should put my psychic abilities to better use. LMBAO!

Look, Ms. Honey, chalk this up as a lesson learned. And, I mean take a good look at yourself, how you played a part in all of this, and how you should start listening to what someone says to you, as well as what they are doing. Pay attention. If someone tells you they don’t want to be married, then listen to them. Stop trying to make someone be with you for the sake of what you want. You can’t make someone love you, be with you, or marry you if they don’t want to be. He’s shown you time and time again who he is. He doesn’t want to be faithful or monogamous. He wants to have it all. Leave his ass. Get the divorce. Get the alimony, what little his broke ass has. And, put his ass on child support payments. Stop letting him belittle and demean you. Ugh! Now, get your life together and stop stressing because the innocent child you’re carrying doesn’t deserve all this madness coming into the world. – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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Recently, I was in a conversation with a sistah and her fiancé. They are moderately upscale, professional, college educated, upper-middle class savvy socialites and overall, a cool pair to hang out with. While sipping on cocktails at an über-chic bar, the topic of self-care and taking care of your mate came up. She was looking for a spa to get a massage and he so lovingly chimed in “I tried to give her a massage but she said that it sucked.”  I gasped and my jaw dropped, then we all laughed – but I was seriously astonished that she would tell him that. Here she had a man, who is easy on the eyes, fun hearted, the sole and generous household financier (including her not working, countless vacations and unlimited spa visits), willing to give her a massage when the spa is not in operation. When she saw my reaction, she defended her statement with typical black girl sass, affirming that he can’t properly work out the kinks and that his hands feel like “sandpaper.” He’s no wimpy guy, and although you could clearly see his embarrassment with her statements he has a lot of class and didn’t want engage in a debate with her.

Sadly, that is only one of many times that I’ve heard some really dim-witted statements usually intended to verbally assault,  ridicule, denigrate and humiliate another person all in the name of “keeping it real.” In the context of relationships, there are much kinder ways to handle your partner without telling a mistruth. In the above mentioned scenario, when it was suggested that she could ease the blow and spare her fiancé his humility by simply saying “…baby, I appreciate how you try to rub out my kinks but these knots need a professional” she replied with a nonchalant, “I’m just being honest” – and continued on assertively in defense of her position. Do we have to be so harsh with our mates to be honest? It could have been better received if delivered in a more lovingly fashion.

I sometimes think that African American women get a bad rap for being abrasive, hyper-antagonistic and attitudinal, habitually on the war path, and belligerent. Heck, I’m an African American woman and I don’t like being pre-judged by that low-level set of qualities. However, I do believe that there are improvements that we can make on a whole that can possibly soften our edge and level out the playing field. It is far beyond time that we get past the notion of telling it like it is; including the finger snapping, eyes rolling, lips smacking, head twirling, hand-in-your-face delivery. Telling someone the truth, especially someone who you claim to love doesn’t mean you have to give raw heartless truth.

“I’m just being honest”, “I’m keeping it real” and “you know I keep it 100” are copouts for throwing hate (personal none-the-less), shade and negativity unto others in disguise. If you really want to be honest then I recommend that you handle others with the same respect, honor and compassion that you want to be handled with.

Level up!

Dating: Time To Go Back to Basics

I Haven’t Dated A Brother Ever Since My Asian/White Ex, And I’m Afraid To Start Again”

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Here are a few tips to help you achieve forward motion in the quest for a healthy measure of success and happiness in all areas of life:

• Get clear. How can you know what is expected of you if you are not clear about what exactly you are trying to achieve? In the workplace you must get clear direction from your superior. In your relationships you have to have an open dialog about what you are trying to gain collectively and what are you “bottom line” of needs. Likewise, if you are currently not in a relationship or on a job, you should get a blank journal book for each and begin to clearly define for yourself what you require to be happy and successful in your career and at home. Be specific in your wants, needs and desires so that you can begin to focus your energy toward those things and most certainly, when you believe that it is possible for you then you will begin to see opportunities open for you in the direction of your vision.
• Set forth your intentions. You cannot hit a target if you cannot see it.  Once you have become clear about what you want from your career and in your love life then you can start to visualize yourself in that space. If you have been unfulfilled in past relationships, with lovers and workplace it will be challenging get out of the cycle of being unfulfilled. Visualizing yourself as you would like to experience your relationships and successful career opens your mind on a subconscious level to the belief that obtaining these things is actually a possibility for YOU. Hitting your target is much easier if you can see what it is that you are aiming for, so set forth your intentions.
• Seek out necessary resources. When you stop learning you should be dead – I mean that literally. The time to learn is now and always. Read books, go to seminars, buy programs that will help you advance, attend retreats, talk to your mentors, have lunch with the CEO of your company and other successful people in life, and do whatever it takes to develop the necessary tools for obtaining massive success, abundance and overflowing love. No need to wait until the need arises to learn a new skill, by that time you are already behind the curve. Add the knowledge to your toolbox and when needed you will instinctively use what you already know.
• Push beyond your limitations. While comfort zones are comfortable, they are also limiting.  Sometimes we get caught in these comfort zones and mistake them for what is “meant to be” but you’ll find that if you are willing to push yourself out of this space you will likely be met with success and happiness beyond your imagination. If you’ve only ever dated one type of person then open yourself to others. African American women are notorious for this by exclusively dating within the race, but the love of her life may not be of her nationality and by limiting herself; she’ll never have the opportunity to find out. If you’ve only ever worked one type of job, it may be time to adapt your skill set and look into another. There’s the old adage that says if you do what you’ve always done then you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. That couldn’t be more truthful. Is it time for you to push beyond your limitations?
• Go above and beyond. Don’t be afraid to take on new challenges without being instructed to do so.  Take the initiative to do more than is expected of you. Since mediocrity is the norm your enthusiastic efforts to do more will be noticed and presumably rewarded. More importantly, you will begin to have higher standards for yourself which will undoubtedly set you apart from the rest. And as you know, top quality positions take top quality people to fill them; professionally and personally. If it is your intention to secure a worthy position in your career and love life, then it is up to you to standout from the crowd.
• Take action now. Procrastination can be your worst enemy. The most common reasons that people procrastinate is because they don’t know where/how to begin, it appears overwhelming, they haven’t obtained the proper resources and they are afraid of change. Rarely is it because they are lazy. Laziness is something completely different. There is no better time than now to take action toward achieving your own success and happiness. NOW is the right time to get clear, set forth your intentions, seek out the necessary resources, push beyond your limitations, and to go above and beyond. Are you not worth a successful career, a happy home and enjoying the love of your life? It is up to you to put your plan in motion.

3 Important Conversations To Have Before Committing To A Relationship

Shut Up & Listen! Your Relationship Deserves It

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Typically, the balance of power in any relationship is dominated by the person who brings home the biggest slab of bacon – the one who makes the most money rules. In most scenarios, the person who earns the most money has the power and their spouse/partner is often reluctant to voice and discouraged from any opinion that conflicts with the ‘powerful’ person. It is only in extremely rare cases that the person who has the money doesn’t feel the need to sling around their power where true balance can be achieved, that this type of dynamic works well for both parties. Pulling the purse strings in order to manipulate your partner is shallow. You should never demean, berate or disempower your partner by throwing around your power like King D*ck Willie – it’s a recipe for disaster.

Ideally, healthy and thriving relationships need to be more of an even partnership, and a disparity in power is often not conducive to relationships that are high-quality, vigorous, and stable. Recently, J-Lo and Marc Anthony split and it is rumored that J-Lo has stated that he was overly controlling. When two people are more evenly yoked in financial assets then the power scale balances out and if both parties are not in a clear mental space of equality then the struggle can get even tougher.

If your relationships are woven with integrity and each person is valued for whatever they bring to the relationship, then falling into the ‘power trap’ won’t ever become an issue.  It is when one involved party is viewed as the lesser, based on financial attributes, that the imbalance presents itself and power struggles arise. If, as a couple you can mutually agree that there will be differences in contributions but that the total sum of you together is what makes the relationship tick, then you may be able to escape the pitfalls of POWER. It is simply not healthy for one person in the relationship to feel like they ‘owe’ or are ‘owed’ for financial contributions made by the other for the good of the relationship.

Creating relationships where both of your opinions matter and everyone is valued is paramount to creating lasting relationships.  There will always be varying power dynamics but for the most part, a healthy balance can be created with a little respect, appreciation and compromise. Having power over your partner is never a good idea but having the power to choose how you want to treat your partner is a beautiful thing.

What Do Men Consider Wife Material?

Go Ahead And Make The First Move Ms. Independent! Ask Him Out

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The most discussed recommendation is the elimination of co-payments for birth control, and possibly make it free for patients. The IOM projects that such steps could result in less unintended pregnancies, which account for nearly half of all pregnancies each year in the United States.

HealthDay reports that women with unintended pregnancies are less likely to receive prenatal care, are more likely to smoke and are more likely to be victims of domestic violence during pregnancy. Additionally, unintended pregnancies also increases the risk for a preterm delivery or a low birth-weight infant.

BET News Reports:

This is all good news for black women given the disproportionate rates of diabetes, HPV, STIs, HIV, and other health issues that we endure. [Our] only hope is that the recommendations are taken seriously and are amended into healthcare reform. Only time will tell.

Read More At BET.com

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Birth Control Lotion Gel For Women Prevents Pregnancy

What are your thoughts on this controversial issue within in the black community? Are we still stuck on “color concept” in the 21st century? Do we believe that dark is unattractive and undesirable, and light is beautiful and acceptable?

Check out a preview below!

10-Year-Old Girl Calls Out Lil Wayne For Degrading Black Women

Fantasia Says Skin Tone Played Role In Media Coverage Of Affair

Comedian Kevin Hart Offends Dark-Skinned Women

The Loverman’s Lounge has taken another topic head on as we dig deep to find out “How often do men think about sex?” Is it classic perversion? Is this something that is uncontrollable? More importantly than all this after you watch this short video….What are women going to do about it? Well we don’t have ALL the answers but hopefully what you are about to see will help get us to the next step!

LOVERMAN LOUNGE LINKS

LOVERMAN LOUNGE: Wedding Night Advice Part 1&2

Loverman Lounge: Why Men Cheat [Off Air Exclusive]

LOVERMAN LOUNGE: “I Only Date White Women”

Here are some tips on how to make your mark in the workplace:

1) Standing out is important to a woman, especially in a crowd of men.Making a voice for yourself and having a positive attitude is a great way to show you are strong, charismatic and  intelligent.

2) Give your all at whatever needs to be done to better your career. Climbing up the success ladder is difficult and takes a lot of time. By showing you can handle tough decisions and the ability to handle stress, you will start to see an improvement of how people act toward you.

3) Always be properly groomed, show you are prepared for whatever comes your way and do it with confidence! Hair is important, even if it is a simple up-do, which shows strength and sophistication. Looking good equals feeling good. By showing your confidence, you can be able to stand tall with the decisions you make without second guessing yourself.

Is Being Older Really Wiser In The Workplace?

“Every time you state what you want or believe, you’re the first to hear it. It’s a message to both you and others about what you think is possible. Don’t put a ceiling on yourself.” – Oprah Winfrey

The company says that the purpose behind the billboard it is to let people know, African American women in particular that there are other alternatives to unwanted pregnancies other than abortion. “While African Americans make up thirteen percent of the population in America, they represent 36 percent of the abortions in the United States,” says Marissa Gabrysch from Heroic Media. “In the African American community, twice as many deaths have occurred due to abortions than the combined totals of violent crime, cancer, heart disease and AIDS,” she continues.

While I respect Heroic Media’s license to free speech and their opinions about abortion, I do not appreciate their attempt at spreading their message at the expense of being disrespectful towards the African American women who are handling their business as mothers. Something about the ad seemed to be judgmental and stereotypical. The tone went beyond statistics and numbers and came off as an attempt to demoralize African American mothers overall.

When Does Idolization Go Too Far?

Reading that statement one could go beyond relating it to abortion only and take it as them implying that any child who is born to an African American mother better pray to the heavens because… To Read The Rest Visit YeahSheSaidIt

Quote Via: The Grio

Sesame Street Teaches Girls Of Color To Love Their Hair [VIDEO]