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Send a complete message, in this order: feelings, desires and expectations. Use ‘I’ in your sentences and the appropriate verb. For example: “I feel … ,” “I need … ,” “I would like … .” Sentences that begin with ‘you’ tend to accuse or blame and create a barrier to effective communication.
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Turn off distractions such as the TV. Listen actively with the sole desire of understanding your spouse’s point of view. Listen with heart and mind. Observe the nonverbal expressions and make note of the verbal expressions. Summarize the message your spouse has communicated by repeating the verbs used and, more importantly, the sentiment conveyed in the message.
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Clarify by using phrases such as, “I also said…” and “Allow me to explain that again.” Confirm by utilizing a phrase such as, “Yes, you’ve understood correctly.”
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Ask your spouse to express any additional thoughts or feelings to ensure they’ve completely fulfilled their need to be heard. All the while, listen only, without interjecting your questions or thoughts.
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Come to and record agreement(s). Jotting down agreements is useful so they will not be forgotten.
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